This is wonderful! So much of it resonates with me.
I especially love your messages about being willing to keep learning and to accept that one always has more to learn, and about local teachers. Though I find group classes distracting (a question of "learning style," not ego!), I've taken private lessons weekly since 2013, except when someone has been ill or on vacation, and all of my teachers have been locals. We rarely work on "something fancy"; mostly, it's revisiting embrace, walk, posture, musicality, etc. Each year, we push the basics another 1% or whatever. For that, I absolutely, positively need the follow-up of a teacher who knows me; classes by visiting "maestros" have contributed very little (though not nothing at all) to my development as a dancer.
I also feel strong agreement with your remarks on partners who try to teach or place blame. There is nothing I like less than sharing the dance floor with someone who, in place of dancing, is talking at their partner. It's distracting and rude. It doesn't matter if it's one half of a couple telling the other what to do, or if it's a person telling a random dance partner what to do. It's rude anyway, and full of ego in the worst sense. I truly wish that more milongas would eject people for it.
I am divorced from my former dance partner. She had been enrolled in dance since young childhood; I was definitely the one who was behind and who had less of a knack. Her constant correcting, telling me that I'd led the wrong thing at the wrong moment on the wrong part of the music, grew erosive. Dancing with her became like dancing with some sort of AI "Correct My Dance" app, and lost all emotional connection. I cannot say that caused our divorce, because it didn't, but it definitely shone a spotlight on a thing that wasn't working in our relationship. I firmly believe that correcting dance partners in public, at social dance events, is always a sign of a pathological character flaw or relationship flaw.
All of which said, I have a strong "self," an ego. I have worked very hard, typically tens of hours a week, for over 13 years. This has resulted in a distinctive personal style, and in strong views about floorcraft, what steps don't belong on a busy dance floor, what pieces and orquestas are "good," and many other things. However, none of that keeps me from showing up weekly to revisit basics, and I don't go around trying to teach partners. Which said, if someone said, "Well, actually, you kind of do . . .," I'd apologize and try to do better. My ego isn't the sort that explodes.
Sometimes circumstances get in the way and we just don’t get around to dancing with everyone we might like to. Plus if you have a regular circle of dance partners/friends, there are only so many tandas in a night. So there can be little opportunity to dance with someone new, especially when inviting a stranger means mustering extra courage.
I wasn’t insinuating any fault on your part or mine, just observing that we seem to think alike, interact nicely on social media but then don’t really do so in person.
I, too, have social limitations. Because I am sociable and a teacher, people think I’m very confident. But despite a somewhat extroverted side, I’m shy by nature, and can get some pretty serious social anxiety in new circles and situations. And don’t get me started on my fear of rejection…
You are brilliant and truly do not need my validation, but I am happy to provide agreement!
Most of what you write here and in other places matches my personal experiences, so yes, I'd say that we're like-minded. As for not dancing or interacting in person often despite that: That's mostly on me.
I got into tango because I was chained to a desk – a proper introvert living behind a keyboard – and my doctor told me that was unhealthy physically, psychosocially, and (eventually, should dementia strike) intellectually. She proposed "low-impact social dance," and I selected tango. To be totally honest, I knew nothing about tango other than that it was low-impact, social, and a dance, and chose it largely because Air de Tango was near where I lived. But I'm glad that I did!
Learning tango is teaching me more than how to dance. It has opened the door to getting out, meeting people, and having a social life. For me, that lesson is far harder to learn than "how to walk," "how to express Pugliese," or whatever. I build my social circle at a glacial speed, mostly circulating among people with whom I've finally broken the ice, because I'm not gifted at adding new people.
You being a teacher, I have many years of "Argh! Teacher! No way I'm good enough to dance with that person!" anxiety to overcome. That isn't a criticism of you. You've always been kind and friendly to me. It isn't even a criticism of me as a dancer or a human being. It's just a criticism of my social limitations.
Anyway, I'll try to do better. It's clear that we have thinking in common.
I have read this post this morning, and it has been staying with me ever since.
I am a very amateur and mostly humble (I think!) tango and yoga practitioner, and the notion of ego has always been on my mind somehow. It does get in the way at times. Reflecting on it today, I think it happens more on the mat than on the dance floor for me. I’m not sure why, but maybe because I always practice yoga alone at home, I never see other people do it. While I believe comparison to others is irrelevant in yoga and that there is no such thing as "being good at it", watching others can be humbling in a good way, as well as a learning opportunity. This is why I don’t mind sitting at the milonga sometimes, watching and learning.
I think an important quality to help balance our ego is self-awareness. So the humility remains healthy. Another thing I learned mostly on the mat that helps me most in my dancing! About teachy-blamey dancers, I find that they often seem in dire need of working on their own dancing and self-awareness. But then, one needs to be somewhat competent to accurately assess one’s competence. So it’s all coherent…
Also, I strongly believe that we should always remember that dancing is supposed to be fun. For everybody who does not want to make it a professional endeavour, there is no need to let ego nor any other trick of our psyche nor external pressure get in the way. I sometimes feel like some dancers take tango like some trauma surgeon’s work in wartime. Let’s remember it’s not;)
So, thank you, Andrea, for this post. For keeping us thinking and for educating us always with kindness and clarity in all your writings. (I especially appreciated your previous posts about tango codes and etiquette. I’m a terrible introvert, and all these codes are what make tango available to me as a social activity. So thanks for these as well.)
Your teaching in particular, Andrea, has helped me remember to focus on my own areas for improvement, and not my partner's, when dancing socially. But I was at a genuine práctica recently (as opposed to a casual milonga going by another name) where, between songs my partner told me that she'd been away from tango for a while, felt a bit "rocky" in her dance, and invited me to give her feedback. I think I handled the invitation appropriately, but I wonder what you'd have done in my shoes.
This is wonderful! So much of it resonates with me.
I especially love your messages about being willing to keep learning and to accept that one always has more to learn, and about local teachers. Though I find group classes distracting (a question of "learning style," not ego!), I've taken private lessons weekly since 2013, except when someone has been ill or on vacation, and all of my teachers have been locals. We rarely work on "something fancy"; mostly, it's revisiting embrace, walk, posture, musicality, etc. Each year, we push the basics another 1% or whatever. For that, I absolutely, positively need the follow-up of a teacher who knows me; classes by visiting "maestros" have contributed very little (though not nothing at all) to my development as a dancer.
I also feel strong agreement with your remarks on partners who try to teach or place blame. There is nothing I like less than sharing the dance floor with someone who, in place of dancing, is talking at their partner. It's distracting and rude. It doesn't matter if it's one half of a couple telling the other what to do, or if it's a person telling a random dance partner what to do. It's rude anyway, and full of ego in the worst sense. I truly wish that more milongas would eject people for it.
I am divorced from my former dance partner. She had been enrolled in dance since young childhood; I was definitely the one who was behind and who had less of a knack. Her constant correcting, telling me that I'd led the wrong thing at the wrong moment on the wrong part of the music, grew erosive. Dancing with her became like dancing with some sort of AI "Correct My Dance" app, and lost all emotional connection. I cannot say that caused our divorce, because it didn't, but it definitely shone a spotlight on a thing that wasn't working in our relationship. I firmly believe that correcting dance partners in public, at social dance events, is always a sign of a pathological character flaw or relationship flaw.
All of which said, I have a strong "self," an ego. I have worked very hard, typically tens of hours a week, for over 13 years. This has resulted in a distinctive personal style, and in strong views about floorcraft, what steps don't belong on a busy dance floor, what pieces and orquestas are "good," and many other things. However, none of that keeps me from showing up weekly to revisit basics, and I don't go around trying to teach partners. Which said, if someone said, "Well, actually, you kind of do . . .," I'd apologize and try to do better. My ego isn't the sort that explodes.
Sometimes circumstances get in the way and we just don’t get around to dancing with everyone we might like to. Plus if you have a regular circle of dance partners/friends, there are only so many tandas in a night. So there can be little opportunity to dance with someone new, especially when inviting a stranger means mustering extra courage.
I wasn’t insinuating any fault on your part or mine, just observing that we seem to think alike, interact nicely on social media but then don’t really do so in person.
I, too, have social limitations. Because I am sociable and a teacher, people think I’m very confident. But despite a somewhat extroverted side, I’m shy by nature, and can get some pretty serious social anxiety in new circles and situations. And don’t get me started on my fear of rejection…
All this to say, a dance sometime would be nice!
Sean, you validate me with your thoughtful comments. We don’t dance often or interact much in person, but I feel we are like-minded.
You are brilliant and truly do not need my validation, but I am happy to provide agreement!
Most of what you write here and in other places matches my personal experiences, so yes, I'd say that we're like-minded. As for not dancing or interacting in person often despite that: That's mostly on me.
I got into tango because I was chained to a desk – a proper introvert living behind a keyboard – and my doctor told me that was unhealthy physically, psychosocially, and (eventually, should dementia strike) intellectually. She proposed "low-impact social dance," and I selected tango. To be totally honest, I knew nothing about tango other than that it was low-impact, social, and a dance, and chose it largely because Air de Tango was near where I lived. But I'm glad that I did!
Learning tango is teaching me more than how to dance. It has opened the door to getting out, meeting people, and having a social life. For me, that lesson is far harder to learn than "how to walk," "how to express Pugliese," or whatever. I build my social circle at a glacial speed, mostly circulating among people with whom I've finally broken the ice, because I'm not gifted at adding new people.
You being a teacher, I have many years of "Argh! Teacher! No way I'm good enough to dance with that person!" anxiety to overcome. That isn't a criticism of you. You've always been kind and friendly to me. It isn't even a criticism of me as a dancer or a human being. It's just a criticism of my social limitations.
Anyway, I'll try to do better. It's clear that we have thinking in common.
I have read this post this morning, and it has been staying with me ever since.
I am a very amateur and mostly humble (I think!) tango and yoga practitioner, and the notion of ego has always been on my mind somehow. It does get in the way at times. Reflecting on it today, I think it happens more on the mat than on the dance floor for me. I’m not sure why, but maybe because I always practice yoga alone at home, I never see other people do it. While I believe comparison to others is irrelevant in yoga and that there is no such thing as "being good at it", watching others can be humbling in a good way, as well as a learning opportunity. This is why I don’t mind sitting at the milonga sometimes, watching and learning.
I think an important quality to help balance our ego is self-awareness. So the humility remains healthy. Another thing I learned mostly on the mat that helps me most in my dancing! About teachy-blamey dancers, I find that they often seem in dire need of working on their own dancing and self-awareness. But then, one needs to be somewhat competent to accurately assess one’s competence. So it’s all coherent…
Also, I strongly believe that we should always remember that dancing is supposed to be fun. For everybody who does not want to make it a professional endeavour, there is no need to let ego nor any other trick of our psyche nor external pressure get in the way. I sometimes feel like some dancers take tango like some trauma surgeon’s work in wartime. Let’s remember it’s not;)
So, thank you, Andrea, for this post. For keeping us thinking and for educating us always with kindness and clarity in all your writings. (I especially appreciated your previous posts about tango codes and etiquette. I’m a terrible introvert, and all these codes are what make tango available to me as a social activity. So thanks for these as well.)
And thank you, Julie, for reading me and for this thoughtful and pertinent reply.
This is good essay on relationship problems in general, where blaming the other is a sure way of failing to learn from your missteps.
Indeed. I guess life is a tango!
Your teaching in particular, Andrea, has helped me remember to focus on my own areas for improvement, and not my partner's, when dancing socially. But I was at a genuine práctica recently (as opposed to a casual milonga going by another name) where, between songs my partner told me that she'd been away from tango for a while, felt a bit "rocky" in her dance, and invited me to give her feedback. I think I handled the invitation appropriately, but I wonder what you'd have done in my shoes.
I think that in prácticas and classes there is room for feedback, if it’s welcomed and communicated in the spirit of working together.